Wednesday, September 26, 2012

homesick for uganda, sept. '12.

I am heartsick. Homesick.

It is a mixture of (1) yearning for a purpose in my personal ministry and
(2) the Lord laying Uganda on my heart. (3) Desiring their kind of relationship in the middle of people glorifying busy. It hurts. It bleeds.

Who would have thought that in the world of comfort that I live in I would yearn for this?

Just so ya know... you have seen the whole room. There was a wall behind me and the bathroom that you are about to see to my left.

You may ask why I would long for this place. Good question.
Because, with every part of me, I believe I am called to days like these:

Outside of our guesthouse bedroom door this video was taken with the children singing in class
nearby... It was raining, I was journaling about unity in Christ, and we were all getting ready to tackle our first and only full 24 hour period at New Hope.

I may not like this:

Or even this:

He led me

To her...
And to them all...

So, how can I resist? If this is my burden, why am I in Kansas?
He has a reason... and I shall explore what that reason is.

I am not old enough to consider them my spiritual children persay...
but how else can I discern this love, LORD? I. miss. them. Yet,
I was with them for half an hour. They are in Your hands, God, I know that, but will they ever know, too?

I don't know what You are doing in me. I love it and hate it all at the same time.

Lord, in these last few days you have subtly laid adoption on my heart... Why?
I am not even considered raised myself. Sometimes, I feel like a little girl all over again at Awana with my baby doll in her stroller telling my leader that I wanted to be a Mommy when I grew up. Dreaming about it. I do want to still, even more than then, but in these several years the stroller looks more like the babe tied to my back and with a beautiful different color of skin. Whether that is on the streets of the USA or of Uganda when I am carrying that baby if the Lord wills... I am homesick for them... I want to be a Mommy.

When I can do nothing but pray {which is what I need to embrace fully}... Why does my heart
seem to be dry heaving for him? {The little boy who touched my soul and never smirked a smile.}

And, at the very same time be so joyful over this man's life that I am absolutely beside myself.

Abba Father, I could go on until the sun came up and beyond about what I think is in my future. I could go on about what happened. You hold the key to my heart. You know these dreams, these memories, these groanful prayers. No one can make my life plans. Only You can put them on YOUR calendar and tell me when and where to show up. No one can take this burden away from me, because You gave it to me. Show me how to use it. I can't hug on that little girl. I can't shake their hands. I can't sing with them on Sunday morning. All of these "I can't" lead to the fact that you can. You can deliver them. You can minister to them. You can show them the way. You can give them a family. You can restore their lost innocence.  I am homesick, Jesus, and I don't know what to do.

So, I am putting it before your thrown with a lump in my throat, a spring in my tired step, and a burden so brilliantly heavy and a yoke so easy I can't explain.

What can I say? What can I do? But offer this heart, O God, completely to You.

From the keyboard of a Peculiar Treasure,

“All they asked was that we should continue to remember the poor, the very thing I was eager to do.” --Galations 2:10

1 comment:

  1. Oh Emilee... That is making my nose sting (because tears are welling up...) And sent chills down my spine. "For I KNOW the plans I have for you," DECLARES the Lord. "Plans to PROSPER you and NOT to harm you. Plans to give you a HOPE and A FUTURE." He DECLARES this for YOU! He knows exactly what He's going to do with your life, and I have a feeling it's got something to do with Africa! :) Keep that burden He has placed on your heart, yet continually give it to Him and replace it with peace. I can offer you no comfort, for when a burden is from the Lord, it is there to stay until it is fulfilled, and even then another will take it's place. I don't know why I read these verses yesterday, but I did; "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, be strong, take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14
    He has a reason for EVERYTHING! But it comes in His perfect timing, and so we must wait. That is the hardest part. Learning to wait. Being patient with Him, because we know we can do something, anything, yet he chooses to make us wait, because his plans will fit together, perfectly, amazingly, beautifully. And we will laugh because He did it! He made everything fit together in just the right way, to bless just the right amount of people.
    I absolutely love your heart Emilee! I know God is going to do AMAZING things through you! I'm proud to call you my friend... And I wish I was as crazy about God as you are! Love you sister!

    Love from your fellow missionary, sister in Christ, friend from afar,
    Kara Peterson