Sunday, October 14, 2012

we win in the end.

Written on Thursday, October 11, 2012.

I don't know how you stumbled upon this post. You may have clicked this link via my Facebook account. Through a comment on a blog I follow. Maybe you check in regularly and this is the first title your eyes stumbled upon. No matter how you got here, I have asked God BIG for this post. He may not use it BIG for 10 years, but let's believe Him that He will. Also, if you don't want to be friends with bluntness on the other side of that screen-- I advise you to leave. Or stay out of curiousity. I think that's why I'm still here.

My mind will not shut off. My mind is the book that you do not want to read. My mind is a writer's mind {or maybe it's just me ;)} and I have book beginnnings, e-mails to be sent, thank-you cards to be written, and blog endings CONSTANTLY STREAMING THROUGH MY MIND. It is a blessing apparently, but it can be a curse. It has all of these beginnings, but I have to jump up on an olympic trampoline to attempt sealing them. I do have days, though, when I don't have to search-- days when all I have to is find a keyboard or journal. God impresses these beginning thoughts on days like today so that I cannot stand it anymore. He impresses so much on this mind of mine that I have to press with my fingers. I type it until I am blue in the face, 2AM comes, He simply tells me it is finished, or tears are falling down my face. Whichever comes first. So, I am asking Him to come and seal all of these beginnings at what may seem like the end of me.

My Grandpa has cancer. We don't know what stage he is in yet. We have so much to think about, pray about, work out. We have nothing to worry about. God tells us not to worry. So, when I can't sleep at night, I tell Him. I may not know what or how to tell Him, but I do. I meet with You and my soul sings out//As Your word throws doubt far away//I sing to You and my hearth cries holy.

We potentially may have something to grieve, but in the process we shall not grieve the Holy Spirit. Crazy joy is possible. I love my Grandpa Kerwin. I don't want him to be sick, I don't want him to lose weight, and I want him to stay around until his life seems to be in the appropriate place to end. I want him to give us a hard time and a good time for years to come. I want him-- with us. That is in the hands of HIM, the great I AM. He IS. The LORD is here. He is the One, the Only, my Everything.
Hallelujah, Father You're near

I wish. I have said what if.

This is something that happens to someone else. It never happens to you. I hate cancer.
It does make you strip away what life really is, though.

We have so much to say. So much that we are terrified to forget because it might lead to regret. The doctors, the paleness of it all, the waiting room, the consultation room, the possibilities. My hope is in You Lord, all the day long// I won't be shaken by drought or storm

We have alot to say. Yet, we're speechless. Love is what speaks ultimately. All of our ears have heard so many words that they have to be as hot as the sun to melt way into our frozen hearts. Love is different, though. In sincere love you don't question motives, because it is truly sincere. Authentic care and love are not replaced by empty 'good' words or out of whack motives. So, we serve.

Through this...

Where are we in this? At the risk of sounding selfish, only three people have given me a hug in the church hallways and asked me how I am doing through this. Suddenly, people don't ask you how you are anymore. Granted, the people that have asked I have been wordless in most of my answers. In this situation though it is everything behind the ask that reveals a part of the person rather than the person's scripted answer.

While several of my dearest adult friends have been incredible towards me... It took two of my high school friends to ask me instead of tell me. They did tell, they just asked first. And, that is NOT what everyone should do. It is what I needed right then. The LORD supplied that moment-- and after those moments you may always be the last person in Sunday school because you talked too long. The LORD also supplied that moment after church when a precious friend and mentor to us said that they were sorry... and that they will pray. We know they WILL. That is something beautiful. It may take place in a prayer room, the sanctuary, a mexican restaurant, or over the chinese buffet-- but for that moment God required to make it happen then and there. However strange. A peace that passes, understanding is my song and I sing//My hope is in You alone

That moment can happen over an iPod screen, standing in the middle of your new room, heading out the door. There is your sister-- one that knows your sleeping paterns, crushes + convictions, your dreams, and passions replying first of all to a pleed for prayer writing more than all of your brothers combined... telling you that God hears the prayers of the righteous. Then, your brothers add. The first, knowing him for but a year sending off a two letter message that reads, ''Praying, sister.'' You can't find tears to cry, because your heart is singing so. You know that he will pray everytime our God lays it on his heart. That brother has sent that sentence off to you crowded in between words of encouragment so many times in a short amount of time that you are beside yourself. The next two brothers add having so much significance behind the names that it simply invites you to sit back and thank God for them. They ask for updates, they say prayers have been said, they will continue to be.... We need each other.  I am so incredibly thankful for sojourners that I can do life with. When I am impacted to pray by the Holy Spirit I whisper or sing like there is no tomorrow. Then, when no words come I sit before the throne washing His feet with tears. Meanwhile, my brothers and sisters are on their knees, too.

Along the way, you have all of this under your belt. Yet, there comes a time when you need that friend. We don't talk as often as I like or want when life gets in the way... oh, but when we can! :)
She is that friend that can talk to you for an hour about a fictional character by the name of Christy or two hours by the name of Todd. She is the friend that I have been around since my sixth month of life. She finishes my sentences. She is a gift from God. Tonight, I finally got my hand around that phone with her on the other end. In her uniqueness, bluntness, and our mutual knowingness we tackled the subject. The pain. The first question was the one that everyone else tries to avoid. Will Grandpa be okay? The question that is in God's hand alone. In the meantime and forever, we are not alone. Her second being the one I knew that her heart would ask: How is everyone taking this? Everyone is different. Some strain to be strong, others break, others are numb. No right answers, no formulas. She ends our call with, ''Emy, I love you. You're the bomb. I will talk to you tomorrow. Goodnight. Chocolates and coffee.'' And, when her night is ending my blogging begins with a smile and a plea for our Father to take over.

Before I hit the bed that is calling my name and see the pooch that is wondering where I am...

There are people that you don't know at tall, but you know that they are joyful in Christ. You may have a hint or two, but you know if the hint wasn't there that their contentment in Christ would so overflow through them that it spilled on you. There was a lady like that in the waiting room last Thursday. Her name started with an R. With her precious brown skin with her eyes behind her book she took notice that our family was receiving news that we didn't want to hear. She wished us the best of luck; compassionately said, ''God bless you.'' While I was toward the head of our group walking back through the waiting room I turn around hearing R's voice. She had caught my Mom at the end of the line being used of the Lord with the words, ''My husband has cancer, but we're okay because we know the end of the story. We know that we will win in the end.'' In our place of fresh wounds, those words never seemed so good. Those were some words as hot. as. the. sun. BECAUSE they were directed by the Son. The next morning I hear her voice while dozing off on my Dad's shoulder and she speaks life over us asking what we had heard... her last words being, ''Remember, we win in the end!'' Remember. We win in the end. Oh, yes we do. We have a uncertain hardness of life before us, but as for me-- my hope is in Him.

I will wait on You, You Are My refuge//I will wait on You, You Are My refuge

In Jesus' name may all this be written and sealed for His glory-- for He is our only glory,

~Aaron Shust --My Hope is in You
P.S. {1} For your information, this is my first blog in our new home-- blocks away from our last. {2}Remember, that this was written last Thursday and vaguely edited. I have a feeling that if you asked how everyone was doing, too, since then your blog is around the corner. 

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