Wednesday, September 26, 2012

homesick for uganda, sept. '12.

I am heartsick. Homesick.

It is a mixture of (1) yearning for a purpose in my personal ministry and
(2) the Lord laying Uganda on my heart. (3) Desiring their kind of relationship in the middle of people glorifying busy. It hurts. It bleeds.

Who would have thought that in the world of comfort that I live in I would yearn for this?

Just so ya know... you have seen the whole room. There was a wall behind me and the bathroom that you are about to see to my left.

You may ask why I would long for this place. Good question.
Because, with every part of me, I believe I am called to days like these:

Outside of our guesthouse bedroom door this video was taken with the children singing in class
nearby... It was raining, I was journaling about unity in Christ, and we were all getting ready to tackle our first and only full 24 hour period at New Hope.

I may not like this:

Or even this:

He led me

To her...
And to them all...

So, how can I resist? If this is my burden, why am I in Kansas?
He has a reason... and I shall explore what that reason is.

I am not old enough to consider them my spiritual children persay...
but how else can I discern this love, LORD? I. miss. them. Yet,
I was with them for half an hour. They are in Your hands, God, I know that, but will they ever know, too?

I don't know what You are doing in me. I love it and hate it all at the same time.

Lord, in these last few days you have subtly laid adoption on my heart... Why?
I am not even considered raised myself. Sometimes, I feel like a little girl all over again at Awana with my baby doll in her stroller telling my leader that I wanted to be a Mommy when I grew up. Dreaming about it. I do want to still, even more than then, but in these several years the stroller looks more like the babe tied to my back and with a beautiful different color of skin. Whether that is on the streets of the USA or of Uganda when I am carrying that baby if the Lord wills... I am homesick for them... I want to be a Mommy.

When I can do nothing but pray {which is what I need to embrace fully}... Why does my heart
seem to be dry heaving for him? {The little boy who touched my soul and never smirked a smile.}

And, at the very same time be so joyful over this man's life that I am absolutely beside myself.

Abba Father, I could go on until the sun came up and beyond about what I think is in my future. I could go on about what happened. You hold the key to my heart. You know these dreams, these memories, these groanful prayers. No one can make my life plans. Only You can put them on YOUR calendar and tell me when and where to show up. No one can take this burden away from me, because You gave it to me. Show me how to use it. I can't hug on that little girl. I can't shake their hands. I can't sing with them on Sunday morning. All of these "I can't" lead to the fact that you can. You can deliver them. You can minister to them. You can show them the way. You can give them a family. You can restore their lost innocence.  I am homesick, Jesus, and I don't know what to do.

So, I am putting it before your thrown with a lump in my throat, a spring in my tired step, and a burden so brilliantly heavy and a yoke so easy I can't explain.

What can I say? What can I do? But offer this heart, O God, completely to You.

From the keyboard of a Peculiar Treasure,

“All they asked was that we should continue to remember the poor, the very thing I was eager to do.” --Galations 2:10

Sunday, September 23, 2012

move #5.

Written on September 20, 2012

We found out that we got the house today. It was an awesome day-- so, very ordinarily beautiful. I kept having flashbacks to finding out we were moving-- in Mississippi I stood in the driveway looking at the houses about the subdivision KNOWING what the verdict would be. Being woke up in northern Iowa feeling like our swift move had been planned for months. Today, I hear the ding of Mom's text and I just seemed to know. It is bittersweet thinking about all the memories in this house......………………………………………
People have gathered here, we have made memories, but with every house if used correctly has the symptoms of being LIVED in. This was the first place we had lived for longer than 1
1/2 years since Pulaski. I hope we break a record in this next gorgeous house as well. So, Lord, bless it to Your glory. Bless our memories and help us use them for You and You alone. May we be thankful, may we live abundantly, may we fall. in. love. with. You. May we fellowship and may we sweet our heart out. That we would speak life so HARD and LONG that we would have to come to You for a refueling. Jesus, let it be that in everything we go through, by the end of it... I pray that we would have lost ourselves to You so many times that we don't recognize our own pitiful selves. Yes, Lord.
We love you.

Your beloved,

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

emilee's summer highlights.

Summer is gone... and I'm okay with that. I did not read all the books on my summer reading list.
I went swimming about 4 times total. One of my dreams came true of starting a girl's small group Bible study, but I question how much effort I put into it. Did I love them enough? Did I teach and pray with them enough this summer? Did it matter to them? I was sharpened, but were they? Lifting these things before Him.  Several friends moved away. I didn't go to camp and therefore summer felt empty... if even the slightest bit. I don't want to count all the times someone we knew or one of our family members were sick or in the hospital. We have claimed our own personal emergency room... and this summer, we might as well have camped out there. So, as you can see summer wasn't perfect, but life isn't perfect. Jesus fills every hole, exalts us in HIS timing, and steadies our heart. When loneliness and insecurity creep in He banishes them from camping out in my being.

In the craziness... in the tears... there was laughter beyond measure. In the unlimited space below, I will count down several highlights from my summer. If certain things didn't make the highlight it could be that I just forgot them... or they were just darn unexplainable. We are incredibly blessed. Something else to keep in mind: I didn't include anything that has to do with starting the school year-- sincerely summer. I encourage you to meditate on your summer and welcome fall with open arms!

So, in no particular order...
It was great. Really, it was. I could so tell that the evil one was trying to get in the way...
An anxiety and self doubt that was like none other... From now on, I will pray that I will refuse it, but one thing I know for sure: I will KNOW when it approaches. Time at RADIANCE was priceless. I learned more than I can truly capture. From the business side, the lesson preparations--whether it was me or not-- and the spiritual realm as well. It was an educational and a time for spiritual growth. Our prayer time was an out of body experience almost-- in a good way! Teenage girls praying for strength while gleaning advice from one another. Precious.


Monday, September 17, 2012

pine cones and empty mailboxes.

I stuff the church mailboxes in an attempt to keep my hands busy and to serve in any way possible while enjoying some freetime at one of my favorite places: church-- our church. In it's unfunctional, yet completely functional way... we love it. We have a place in our heart for every church that has been considered home to us at one time or thee other. And, in this season, we are extremely thankful that He has placed us HERE, RIGHT NOW.

With every familiar name while stuffing those mailboxes, I pray with prayer requests assumed and requested by the person themselves.

With every empty mailbox, I pray for the lost. As our evangelist said at Central Hills Baptist Retreat several summers back in the middle of Mississippi, ''Every time you see a pine cone on these 300+ acres these next few days pray for those unsaved people. Every time.''  For that family members curiousity. For that friend's soul. So, with every empty mailbox there is a pine cone out there predestined to have their hearts with Jesus. With every empty mailbox there is someone that doesn't want to become involved in church.  Bring them to you, Jesus.

I stumbled upon the J's box {see leaving, lasts, and His purposes part 1 and 2 from August's archives, plus ''Moses and Marriage: More on the Divine Name'' from July's archives.} and emptied their updates accidently put in. Unfortunately, they won't be needing those announcements anymore. I did NOT take their name out from that little slot, though.
They remain in our hearts. With every name taken out of those little slots, we should have a canvas of
those away, but not gone from our hearts. Yet, with those updates taken out they got put in another's box. For the rest, they were literally recycled.

Rachel's children may have been no more that day that Herod's army came for them, but because of that we may live. For Jesus to live to die those two and under had to die... Jesus had to escape to Egypt... so that you could live.

God has a purpose for everything. Irritates me to no end alot of the time, but I absolutely love Him and His ways. Hallelujah, they're not mine.

I had to look over that space that once had a dear friend's name on it, but got rearranged and taken out earlier ''this'' summer to go off to further their education. Another name now feels the slot. It gave me an opportunity to pray. With every name... every name non existent in that certain church hallway in between the sanctuary and the offices. Appoint Your love and faithfulness to protect them, O God.

I still have several math problems to finish over the weekend. My bed wasn't made today. Remember when I said that sanity would be lost soon? Today was one of those days. School was in a fine lined time slot. The day just. kept. going. My clothes aren't put away. My room needs organized. My MIND needs some rest... but in order to sleep I must write. :) Bottomline: On my terms today was an absolute fail.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

until I break them.

I am seeing people being broke on the alter with women of God. We are people of unclean lips... We live among our people. I'm determined that God uses every red face and every tear behind it. Every. Tear.

They are not letting their own Gehazi pluck them from His hand. I want people to see me--the broken me-- because I am called to faith not to "fine."

In a Scripture that has molded me FOREVER... I read.

“He said, “Go tell this people:

" ‘ Be ever hearing, but never understanding; be ever seeing, but never perceiving.’ Make the heart of this people calloused; make their ears dull and close their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts, and turn and be healed.”

For how long? Until I break them.

Break me, Jesus. SHOO Gehazi.
I believe you. I'm clinging to You.
Lord, I don't want to recognize myself tomorrow. Let it be so. You, Jesus.
What else is to say? So much to process. The nodding heads... His showering rains of mercy. Oh, Jesus.
Bring more words today. Restore us from Girl A to Girl Z. Every drumbeat. Every lukewarm heart. This is not a normal Saturday. And I am one blessed girl to be among these women... And to be alongside 150,000
women at this Living Proof LIVE event.
I'm sure this is not the last time you will hear of it. It is not the last time I will feel it. More people stream in Lord.

Are they getting it? Ah, Jesus. Let us shout. Let us cry. Let us break in Your presence and be blessed.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have 150,000 of my girlfriends and our brothers at home to pray for.

His broken beloved... standing in Him...
worshipping with His women,

Monday, September 10, 2012

that's write.

'nough said, friends. Enough said.

Having a happy Monday here... hope ya'll are, too!
Coffee, fellowship, school with a special friend that we met in Uganda, random adventures at our zoo + cheering on friends in cross country, and a quiet night at home. Not too bad at tall. ;)

His beloved,

Saturday, September 8, 2012

pumpkin spice lattes.

Somewhere in between getting out of my bed this morning {against my will-- almost every morning}, my time in 1 Corinthians and in worship,  and this blog just beginning to be typed at 12:15AM something happened.

What is this something you ask? Good question. I am glad you asked.

His love is better than life.
God doesn't speak to me audibly, but when He lays something on my heart it is like a lyric to my favorite song.

His mercies are new every mornin'. It's true.
It seems, though, that this new beginning of fall seems like a much bigger one... whether it should feel like it or not.

The guy at Starbuck's payed attention to my name. It made me happy.