Sunday, August 19, 2012

leaving, lasts, and His purposes: take two.

Tyler and Erin left today. It was one of the sweetest mornings and one of the worst.
So many blessings in such a miserable day. I believe I am writing this post more for me than for anyone else, but I pray that God will use it for others: including Tyler and Erin.

You know how I said that last Sunday I successfully didn't crawl into a ball and bawl?
Well, let me tell ya... No success happened this morning... and this afternoon.
A fraction of the congregation did witness it-- and I didn't really care.
Now, they have seen part of the worst of me and hopefully they have seen a glimpse of my best! ;)
This morning when people asked me how I was I didn't tell them I was good, because I wasn't,
but you can't explain this burden. While it was a gut wrenching morning,
I was very thankful for the people that encouraged me throughout. They were led by the Spirit... and what could be better?

If Tyler and Erin couldn't come back to stay there is one other thing I wanted today: to not feel this.
This being a raw indescribable ache. Without this though, I wouldn't ever get it out.
No matter how hard I want to numb it, I have to face it. Even my favorite latte at Starbucks can't numb this pain. Even though God used the people behind that latte as a big encouragement :)
God alone can comfort me. I am comforted, then I remember why I am being comforted,
wet eyes. Repeat.

The tears will come again... I'm almost certain, but there is a healing that will take place.
First step is-- admitting that I need it. Today, in the LORD's timing, was my first required
get together with my mentor, Jael. As we were closing we prayed for one another and as she prayed about this request she asked God to help me as I mourn their absence. Where had I been?
What did I think this was? I need healing. It doesn't mean the pain will never come back, as with most healing, but in His timing this thought won't consume me.

The burden of the tear will come more often than the tear itself. Today,
the burden of the tears hanging in my eye didn't feel like Jesus in Disguise, but God has a purpose for
it. He has to.

In the midst of this, although to outsiders it doesn't seem so, He is steadying my heart.
Did I want Him to? Not really. This afternoon after our terrible yet very necessary
goodbyes all I wanted to do was go home, put on jeans, my favorite hoodie, cry my heart out,
and lay on the couch. Thankfully I went against that and ended up tagging along with some ladies from church to go to the Little Apple. I knew that I needed something and that answer wasn't to hang out depressed at home. So, in a sea full of tears the puddle of laughs were much needed.
It may have been the very opposite: a sea of giggles and a puddle of tears, but that is not what my heart was feeling. I hear adult teachers say it over and over {whether they do bluntly or not} that kids don't have a tattered heart as much as adults do. That it is easier for us to heal, because we are not adults. Where in certain cases this is true, today I didn't want it ringing in my mind.
The verse that came along with that thought was, '' Each heart knows its own bitterness,
and no one else can share its joy.'' ~Proverbs 14:10
EACH HEART... not just every adults heart. The whole thought process behind that point of view makes me grimace. How can we minister to kids when we think their burdens aren't as big--even if they are only big to them??
Backing off that rabbit trail: Of course, I also didn't want to hear that people
understood. I'm sure they do to an extent. But my heart knows my ''bitterness'' different than anyone else. In saying that, I feel so inadequate to be blogging about missing this awesome family when they only left Kansas. I didn't lose a family member to death. I didn't lose... so many things that seem bigger than my own little world's problems, but

if it is translated as something huge to your heart, it is huge to God on your behalf
From So Long, Insecurity by Beth Moore.

It may not be big to my teachers. To my peers. To our congregation. To anyone for crying out loud, but it matters to God. He saw my aching heart today and HE understands. ''The man that still has the holes in his hands from the nails, and the cut in his side from the sword understands.'' ~Grant, August 19, 2012.

I find the timing of singing ''It is well with soul'' ironic...
Almost every time it is sang at church I don't shout if forth with truth. Yet, I sing with my lips and
my mind to give purpose to that song; taking it as a challenge. Today I had to sing it with the heads of the 5 J's {with the 6th on it's way!} two rows in front of me. It wasn't well with my soul. It isn't well with my soul,
but peace attendeth my way... and He is teaching me to say that this is well. It is His Will after all.

Grant was right when we officially sent off the J's during the services this morning... It did seem like just yesterday that they came. So much has happened in such a short amount of time. Two words: utterly thankful.

We had the blessing and opportunity to talk to Tyler and Erin alone this morning.
I had prepared several cards for them and it was a great opportunity to present it to them.
While silently I didn't want to be there when they read it in retrospect I wouldn't have had it any other way. It may have been challenging to watch the beautiful reactions... yet, in the middle of the most challenging things God brings the best beauty.
Our eyes weren't dry. The air was sickening. I'm sure my puffy red face was just gorgeous. ;)
Yet, the silence was comfortable. Of course, a few Greek discussions, knowing glances, and nods were squeezed in before the 2nd service was released. :) The tears... finally... steadily... came. Relief. Holding them in was not going to do. At one point, I had to talk to Makenna as she and her Mama were passing me. I was desperate to smile. Desperate to laugh. That smile she brought... and a laugh she indeed delivered. Even if the tears still were flowing.  The time came to say goodbye. The moment dreaded for months... arrived in a blur. Precious words and hugs were exchanged yet the moment had to end.

That isn't where the curtain falls, though.
The friendship continues on.
Someday, hopefully and prayerfully, we will be able to physically
be in the same room joyously savoring each other's company. Until that time comes though, the friendship indeed continues on. The bond may not be the same... it may not ever look, taste, be, or sound this same way again, but I pray that it would not fade nevertheless.

My family and I have known goodbyes. We have known hellos.
This goodbye wasn't pretty... yet these todays are worth tomorrow.

From So Long, Insecurity as well.

There will be a day when all our tears are washed away.
When all my brothers and sister that I haven't meant will come together.
When all the ones I have across the nations: Uganda, Tennessee, Mississippi, Illinois, Iowa, Missouri, Kansas... will worship our Abba together. We will see Him in His glory. No more goodbyes... only to our yesterday's and all the trouble within.

There will be a day when this will seem like a flash and smaller than a mustard seed.
Thank-you, Jesus.

''We have found a Love greater than life itself. We have found a Hope stronger and NOTHING compares.'' {not even your own personal this.}

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll; whatever my lot, Thou has taught {is teaching} me to say, it is well, it is well with my soul.

έν Χριστός,

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