Tuesday, June 19, 2012

''being a mary'' conflicts.

''Everybody's got an opinion
Of what they want me to be
Everybody's got a condition
That I may never meet
So tired of looking in the mirror
It always says the same thing
I want to be about something different
Something more than the mirror can see''
lyrics from The Definition of Me by Mandisa.
People have expectations of me that I have realized more and more lately. We all have them at the end of the day, but I have been more aware of them lately. They might expect me to say yes to every babysitting job or every mission trip... everything. I feel like this summer in particular I have chosen the beautiful thing: sitting at His feet. In doing this, I have reaped the ''benefits.''
While being closer to Abba expectations have been questioned.
People hopefully will notice a change in me; in my attitude, but for now all they are noticing is
my lack of certain activities... It isn't a pretty sight. I want to spit nails if one more person
asked me why I didn't do this... or haven't done that. I remain somewhat okay and then my Mom gets
the excited version of the story later. :)

I have been a Martha. I have chosen that for now I have to literally be a Mary before I can BE A MARY in my heart and soul. I need sanity... a crazy schedule is not going to allow that.

Will I have some busy days in the Summer? Yes I will. But I have not allowed certain ''toxic''
things that I can control into my calendar right now. It IS more than okay to say no. As long as in saying no, you are saying yes to Jesus.

Katie Davis' most recent blog post explained my feelings right on the spot... To read what she's been up to... :) Click HERE.

Ones from around the community have asked me if I regretted not going to a certain event.
I was in shock. To me, it was like asking, ''The Lord didn't tell you to go to this, but everyone expected you to, because you went to Africa, so are you regretting it?'' Ugh. :/ Now, they don't know the whole story. I understand that. I am not complaining, I am stating that in saying yes to Jesus even your most amazing mentors may not understand. Jesus went against His Christian culture... and it seems so am I.

If I would have done these things, I wouldn't be leading a girl's small group Bible study. We have had only one meeting, but big things are going to come from it... if they haven't already. Christ is doing wonderful things through this.

Messy life. Jesus uses things like this for some strange reason. :)
In this time, I pray my identity will become more than the mirror can see. An unseen thing far more glorious than a stressed, exhausted junior high girl. :)

In Abba,

Written June 19, 2012.

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