I hate my laugh.
I hate that I'm shy.
I also hate that when I do talk, I talk too much & too loudly.
Everyone reading this has some sort of pre-conceived notion of me. Whether it be from the background of this blog template, the fact that you've met me, or simply know of me from one of the many places I've lived.
Maybe you don't know you do, but somehow in some shape or form, you have expectations for me.
We all have expectations that we try to fulfill for someone else every single day.
Trying to ignore those expectations can be so fruitful, but your heart can still be beat up in the process.
We long to please everyone. It's no mistake. Why? Because, especially as women, we were literally wired to bring beauty into this world. We desire to please, to help, to satisfy.
"Aware of our deep feelings, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more. Oh, we long for intimacy and for adventure; we long to be the Beauty of some great story. But the desires set deep in our hearts seem like a luxury, granted only to those women who get their acts together. The message to the rest of us - whether from a driven culture or a driven church - is try harder." -Captivating, John & Stasi Eldredge
When someone lashes out at me in any tiny way possible, I beat myself up. Suddenly all the lies that are running through my head on a daily basis about my ugliness and annoyance to society are true, because someone else insulted me.
I could let that get to me. I could let the fact that so many fallen people that leave me feeling undesired get to me. Or I could trust in the fact that the One man that has never fallen - loves having me around.
Would I rather bank on a fallen man's views of me because I'm weird & intimidating from their point of view or would I rather insure my trust in the unfailing God's affection for me? Not only that, but a God that not only tolerates my quirks, but delights in them?
Words whirl around from past & present making our future look unbearable.
"So... I can have other friends."
"Well, yeah, maybe for you, but for the rest of us..."
"I don't like your new hair."
"Oh, we'll talk about that later..."
"You intimidate me."
...and the list goes on & on.
"And if she cannot secure her relationships, then she kills her heart's longing for intimacy so that she will be safe & in control." -Captivating, John & Stasi Eldredge.
Thoughts like these intervene. Truth speaks louder - if only we listen.
" 'What do I have to offer, really? They're probably doing fine.' Don't you believe it for a moment. You have been sent by the Trinity on behalf of love, of relationships. Fight for them." -Captivating, John & Stasi Eldredge
If I bank on their words whether implied or spoken, I'll miss out on my calling as a woman:
" There is a radiance hidden in your heart that the world desperately needs." -Captivating, John & Stasi Eldredge.
That fact that I'm so sensitive in itself makes me want to crawl into a hole & never come out.
"We need not be ashamed that our hearts ache; that we need and thirst and hunger for much more." -Captivating, John & Stasi Eldredge.
"Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her." -Hosea 2:14
Maybe I can't feel it right now, but... Oh, how He loves me for-some-miraculous-reason.
Words giving life to weary bones.
"We choose not to shut down. We let the tears come. We allow the ache to swell into a longing prayer for our God." -Captivating, John & Stasi Eldredge
But here is the thing:
"We don't get to stay in hiding until we are whole; Jesus invites us to live as an inviting woman now, and find our healing along the way." -Captivating, John & Stasi Eldredge
Your heart will be broken in the process of being yourself - or just trying to figure out who you are. Because we're a sinful people, we're not all going to get along. Words are thrown around in pride and words are received in shame. It's how this world has been turning for a long time.
Don't let it get you down. Remember that it is okay to feel hurt. Being heartbroken? It isn't a sin. In fact, the Lord is very passionate about binding up those wounds.
Let Him.
Healing has to be fought for.
Relationships have to be fought for.
Sanity has to be fought for.
...& beauty has to be displayed.
You truly are His (peculiar) treasured possession.
Live in that truth this week.
In Abba,
Emilee
P.S. You need to read Captivating.
{Also, want an encouraging song to bless you in your 'being you' journey? Here are just a few:
Beautiful - Group One Crew
The Definition Of Me - Mandisa
Gold - Britt Nicole
More Beautiful You - Jonny Diaz
Every Bit Of Lovely - Jamie Grace}
http://holleygerth.com/coffee-for-your-heart-love/}
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