grandpa's home.

How must I approach this post? By God's grace... and only by His grace.

My Grandpa Kerwin moved into God's kingdom this afternoon. Last Tuesday we were told that the cancer had spread and that we were just going to keep him comfortable until his time would come. Last Tuesday morning we were still praying big on my Grandpa's behalf. Although I noticed his changes we were still hoping for a different result. On Monday afternoon I announced to the Twitter world that I was feeling extra worn that day + I sent a message to my girlfriends stating that I was feeling overwhelmed due to my gut + the doctor's assumptions. On Tuesday afternoon, Mom and Dad came home with the news that I stated above. Crazy.

I will share more, I promise. I can't wait to write more. These past few months I have not been able to blog as much as I would like. I hate that, but that also leaves a project before me. Whether you like it or not, I'm going to write like there is no tomorrow. You will hear stories about my Grandpa, see pictures, and you will see ugly sides of me + Lord willing a good side as well. I can't share details right now. Let's just say my journal has been my filter and my acquaintances protection these last couple of months! So, tonight will be no different. Then, I will come to you giving honesty with modesty, because you simply must know how God has revealed Himself faithful personally to me through this.

^^almost always wearing a cap.

^^who knows what joke he was coming up with in + around this picture!

^^I can just hear his laugh.

Below are the pictures I thankfully captured in October at our local pumpkin patch. It was when he was still recognizable, but was changing more and more each day. I will treasure these. Oh, I'm gonna miss him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Below is a drawing I started right before Grandpa's birthday--I drew it a few days after driving to one of his radiation treatments out of town--my view from the backseat. :) I presented the beginning of it to him on his birthday, but finished it this last week, adding the message. It stayed on his sidetable in the hospital and is still on his dresser next to his Uganda hat. :)

We love you, Grandpa. What a treasure it was to know you; to be your granddaughter! Oh, how thankful we are that Kansas was in His plans for us. God knew what He was doing! He knew that we needed these extra memories with you. He knew that we needed to take care of you. He knew that when we moved in with you on August 6, 2010 temporarily that on January 29, 2013 you were going to move from your temporary home. He knew that on January 28, 2013 I would hold your hand in both of mine and celebrate your life at His feet. "Oh, what a friend we have in Jesus..."

Fill the air, Lord Jesus. You are still good and that truth can never be shaken. I am more in love with You than ever before. Thank-you for undescribable peace. Help me to write, to sleep. Remind me that it's okay to cry; I don't have to be a hero, because You are. Lord, I will be faithful and I know you will be great!

Friends, I will be back. Grandpa's home. I would have never chosen this ending, but somehow--somehow it's beautiful.

In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? --John 14:2
 

It sounds good enough to us. :)

Weary and rejoicing,
Emilee

 

 

strength, hope, joy, perserverance: here's 2013.

I lay on the floor of my clean-for-now room. I have journals to my left, workbooks to my right, and Scriptures to be delightfully read. I have already stained another year. My Awana book on the shelf to my right and my Greek NT to my left tell me the same harsh truth: we all fall short of the glory of God. We all have failed the One that could never fail us. He was nailed to an ugly, redeeming cross that only a redeeming Lord would carry--for us. For this; for the fulfillment of these eternal new mercies that have a way of making themselves well known on January 1st.

So, in a time of reflecting on my year--how hard I prayed, how much I have believed, how much I have LIVED IT, how much I have loved, how much I have simply smiled...

I make another list for some strange reason. We will get to that soon enough.

I log into Blogger... and I read that somebody out there wasn't ready... just like me.

How in the world do you step hopeful into the next year when you tripped messy through the last year? How do you stand brave with all the smiling rest and ring in the new year when the old year still feels a bit like a millstone around the neck? What if everyone else is making New Year’s resolutions and you just want New You solutions? --Ann Voskamp

I shouted anyway. I did a little happy dance and I touched the fluffy snow with my bare hands. I breathed deep, unexplainably giddy, soaking it in... those first moments of 2013. Maybe that's what this hope looks like--- breathing deep in the midst of confusion, unexplainably giddy with His joy, soaking in all the love that He showers and sings.

I rang in this new year with a girlyfriend on a walk up and down the street of our humble abode. We whispered and we laughed louder than we should have, but after all, everything is funnier when you're with your girlfriends.  We prayed. I started 2013 praying. There we walked, fighting the good fight, fighting for our husband's out there somewhere... there we were, with something like child-like faith surrendering the year to growing in our faith and taking the opportunities that He pours.

Then, morning comes. Are we going to stay true to what we said we would yesterday? I have already started this year with ridiculous baggy eyes and a weary heart.

 Running on four and a half hours of sleep due to our hours of dreaming and silent prayers in the night, we pushed, perservering in a simple task--buzzing in on Bible Quiz questions. Is this enough? This perservering thing? Is it worth it? Is it all it's cracked up to be? More than today's weariness, is this joy going to overflow? Is this hope going to come? Because uncertainties cloud and when my eyes look up, there is blurry confusion. This blurry confusion? It's where hope introduces itself.

Hope isn't an option or a word overused that really means nothing, in Christ, it's my command. Hope for unseen things on earth; hope for when He makes all things new and we are in His courts forever. It may be deferred, but what is our ultimate good, right, and true hope in Christ if our life is perfect? In His wonderful mystery, in the hardness of life, He brings us closer to His heart. I can't fathom it and I can't tie those truths in a fancy bow. They are what they are and they are magnificent.

Hope waits. It always does. But when the silence is so expansive it’s awkward and her fear hasn’t shrunk small... --Ann Voskamp

 

  How am I, personally, going to finish that sentence this year?
I see my life in those phrases--''but when the silence is so expansive it's awkward...''
He banishes this fear that overtakes the love in my heart... and hope springs from Love.
Hope grows. It's a long road to hope, but the journey is a good one. May I do this journey justice. May I live like I'm on borrowed time.

  My to-do list expands... my emotions reign for just a moment... my quiet personality is spread so thin it hurts... and then I remember this surrender. ...I'm running to Your arms... the riches of Your love will always be enough... nothing compares to Your embrace...

  Just then, God speaks through one of Ann Voskamp's friends, Maggie:

  “And the truth is: Your 2013 doesn’t need to-do lists like it needs to-God-be-the-glory lists!“--Maggie


 So, with all of these truths in mind, I am putting these new words and these new resoultions as accountability--not regulations or something to be looked down upon if we slip. Here goes:

• Read more. {even when it means less social media} Record all books written.
• Daily tell of activities for a collection idea via Pinterest.
• Do my best on completing Charle's Spurgeon's 'Morning and Evening'.
• Title every journal entry in 2013 {rather than just the date}.
• Blog more. Short blogs aren't against Peculiar Treausure's laws. :)

My words picked for 2011 in that long ago January: Hope, friendship, and new beginnings.
These words were rightly picked--they resembled what I was going through. They were a heart-cry and I marvel at His answering of that prayer, even though heartbreak came before I could see it.

My words picked for 2013: Strength {because I need an extra dose}, hope {because it's the last thing I want to work towards}, joy {because it's continually found in Him alone}, and perserverance {because it's essential here between the rains}.

repeat the sounding joy.

Began on December 29, 2012.

Oh, friends! I have a wonderful reason to be gathering you here this day.
Makenna Joy is one! Last year on December 29th I was torn. We had to be at home, but Miss Kaneenia was being born. Our hearts were anticipating getting our arms around that Little Light.
We soon would, but the wait of that week to recover from my cold {which always staggers around Christmas} + to give the Clay's space was hard. Thankfully, Miss Makenna and I have made up for those snuggles. Little Light loves eskimo kisses... she will lean in a lil' more just in case you want to give her one more kiss before you go... and she loves pulling on this kid's hair. {ME}

Can you believe it's been a year since I announced her birth in our small corner of the world wide web? This year has flown. Overall, it has been full of long days--some good, some bad. When you have a year of long days, you want to see it go, but maybe it goes a little too fast.

I am reflecting on this last year. It's been an interesting one... but it has been a blessed one. Just because life is hard doesn't mean it's not abundantly full! We have experienced empty years + we are grateful for our life in this lil' town of ours that He has led us to.

Now, as for Miss Makenna... 
You won't get a long, sappy, heart-wrenching letter. Her special birthday letter was already delivered to her... for now you get to know her... and I get to look back on my unknowingness of picking this song before Mak... and how fittting it still is today.

Look at all the angels watching you
They're singing songs that we have never heard
And their voices ring like bells over the mountains
Oh, if only we could hear their words

God is near, little girl
God is near, little girl

 

^^not mine

Your eyes are brilliant, deep sky blue

Their quiet wisdom is an evening song
And the angels must be breathless at
Your beauty

Like the world catches its breath before the dawn

God is near, little one
God is near, little one

Jesus bends to hear you breathe
His tender hands are holding you tonight
His heart is ravished when you look at Him,

^^not mine
And oh, the endless mercy in His eyes

^^not mine

God is here, little light
God is here, little light
God is here, little light
God is here, little light

I have played this song so many times that her precious big brother Luke came in the room the other day when I was singing it and said, ''That's Makenna's song!" :)

I can't remember how I found this treasure of a song, but it tis so precious.
I don't know why God has put these little lights into my life--ALL OF THEM--but He has. I am so incredibly blessed to get to see these families day in and day out + serve them in the way that I try. Their quiet wisdom is an evening song... even if our play time is the farthest thing from quiet! As I gaze at what the Lord has done in this babysitting journey + gaze ahead I can do nothing but bow my head and praise Him. It may not do a single thing for all of the families that I have the privilege of being around, but the Lord uses it, as He does all my activities + day to day happenings, for His miraculous glory and my undeserved good. Looking forward to all He has planned ahead! Remember when this whole babysitting thing physically came about? Click HERE. :) Also, beware of the fact that I had just started blogging. I was that chick that used like four exclamations points after every sentence. Imagine that!!!! ;)

With all of this said, my heart is heavy today on this subject, especially as I am thinking of Makenna's joyous entry into the world. Looking forward to all the Lord is going to do in this precious connection + friendship in the future. In the meantime, trusting the Lord will do more than I can ask or imagine in this season of life, I will keep on keepin' on...

And when duty calls... and it will...I will wipe messes, give eskimo kisses, give snuggles, and read when my throat or heart is just simply spent. I will keep them away from hot ovens and fast slamming doors. I will tell stories of God's faithfulness because sometimes I find it hard to live out; Their wonder and curiosity with that childlike faith gives me a push... to just trust. To have dance parties, watch movies, and to make frozen pizzas + oranges + ice cream.

If we are faithful to the little things, we may or may not be blessed with more. I'm not chasing God for His blessings.The fact is that if you can become content with God in these little things in your season of being 'between the rains'... you will be using your blessings for their ultimate good + true purpose if and when they come along. So, when my flesh's last worry is to be content the war is raged + contentment + godliness will overpower by God's grace. If I'm not content here, I will never be content solely on the One that all joy, security, and wellness with thou's soul belongs to. If I'm not content here, I shall never be righteously content anywhere, in any circumstance He will allow me to be in. I would rather be content based off of truth with less circumstantial blessings than content sitting on a throne of lies with more.

So, when I don't want to keep on keepin' on...

I will listen to my Grandpa's stories. I will praise God that we have made it as far as we have. I will rub backs. I will praise when I don't want to... I am emptied and I shall be filled.
In trials, an introvert's nature is multiplied something terribly awful. So, when I don't want to get out of bed for more reason's than one, I will mutter a prayer surrendering the day to His Will + Glory. Muttering musings that have something deeper; that something deeper lying in my desire for Himself. I will answer to those ''how are you's'' surrending to the golden boy. I will humbly accept the prodigal. The Golden Boy represents cheap grace, and the Prodigal loves the mystery of this costly grace. The last thing I want to be doing is writing my last blog of 2012, because there were so many that went unwritten. But, my direction has needed to be elsewhere. So, please forgive me, dear blog, and everyone who has suffered the effects of my one-thing-at-a-time frame of mind in this season. :)

When life is hard... when unthinkable shootings unfold... it makes us want to hide.
Christmas' can be messy, but wasn't the first Christmas? The young as me Mary gripping Joseph's hand in pain as the Innkeeper misses the miracle at his door. {Oh, how I long to expand on that! :) Soon and very soon, I hope.} This all makes us want to hide. We put up another wall. So, days after this tragic event comes we celebrate when Immanuel found a way to not scare us, but to invite us into His loving presence.

Then, He sends people in your path to soften your heart...

To make you act silly every once in awhile...

To give you hope for your future in the cutest, sillest, and most glorious of ways...

There is nothing more beautifully vulnerable than when a baby gazes expectantly upon an older one...when they are longing to be answered + you relate + you agree with their child-like joy. You repeat the sounding joy.

As we close, may we pray for those of Newtown who need unexplainable peace. They need Hope.
May we surrender our Golden Boy personality when we want to hide... and be okay with showing the prodigal.
May we let the hope of Christmas pour into our new year.
May we surrender 2012... so many things will spring from this year that we haven't conceived yet... and that tis something to celebrate.
Let's strive to please God and not men.
May we praise God for Makenna Joy + all these Little Light's that simply can change one's world... and have already.
May we repeat the sounding JOY... in every possible, unthinkable, glorious, practical way that He leads us about in doing! :)


I got treasure up in heaven; I got dirt all over me,
Princess Emilee

P.S. 50% of this blog belongs to Makenna and the remaining to Jason Gray. {If you don't know who he is, I pity your lack of thoughtful, life-changing music. Do yourself a favor and look him up on YouTube!} I have had the hardest time this-putting-together-of-words-thing that it would have been impossible without their inspiration... and ultimately, it was wholly brokenly written through God's wondrous grace.

^^not mine

What a year! :)




 

Father of the fatherless.

This song. It tis what I blogged of last Christmas.

It's tradition.

You see, I listen, but I only let myself sink it in by myself... or in a dark backseat...

because this song makes me cry.

I see her beautiful eyes staring into mine in that village along Lake Victoria.

I listened to this song in Uganda. I breathed grace deep as I slipped a friends headphones in my ears on that bus that was our home for a week...lush land surrounding me... boda bodas flying by...while my Uncle's hands were gripping tight to the steering wheel I listened hard.

I see a little boy that never grinned at me.

I see the more hopeless the older children get.

I see a high school boy that came to our door come early November that we fell in love with.
He wanted to rake leaves + God wanted to work on all of our hearts. We talked with him, we silently worked with him, we gave him cookies, and we prayed with him. Come the next day he came back to say good-bye. The young man only stays somewhere until his foster parents just got tired of him. He had been rejected and put into 40+ homes since he was five years old because his mom and dad had 'issues'. When he walked away from our front door... he reached the sidewalk... he looked back at me... and I waved... as did he. He was an answer to prayer, the Lord did so much through him. My tears welled and spilled over when we reached the house of God come mid-day on a Wednesday. I cried.

I cried for him. I forgave Adam and Eve. Again.

Because they came into the world, sin entered. I'm not saying I wouldn't have done the same thing that Eve did... I'm saying that they were the ones that began this domino effect and it makes me stinkin' furious.

Without them Newtown wouldn't be grieving. Without that ugly serpant we wouldn't have lost babies that are taken too early in our eyes from this world. Without the evil one we wouldn't have abortions... or broken marriages... or arguments... or ungratefulness... or pride...

But we do.

So, what do you do when we are faced with this spiritual warfare day in and day out?

Christmas will end soon. 2013 is coming.

Just because Christmas is ending doesn't mean our hope runs out or our kindness has to dwindle.

We submit to God. Because praying is not nothing... trusting in God is not nothing... resting in Him is not nothing... being still and knowing is not nothing...

So, that's what we do. We give baths, we rub backs, we breathe deep, we tense up, we snore loud, we brew coffee, we get out of bed, we trust God, we love Him, we pray hard, we pray big, we send e-mails, we love loud, we laugh loud, we hate little, we take rests, we work hard, we give glory.

For He is our Peace.

He is our Father.

In a world of hopelessness...

I see her smile + giggle... I smile even though her future is unknown, because she needs some hope. So, I held a fatherless child... spinning that Princess in a foreign land hoping that eternal life would be her inheritance.

 

and in a world of hopelessness...

 

He. Is. Our. Only. Hope.

 

έν τη σαρκί ύμων είδετε τόν θάνατον, αλλά διά του αγιου πνεύματος έχετε ελπίδα καλην.

I won't nail it down for you, but the bottom line is: Death is a reality, but we have a good Hope. We have a better Hope. His name is Jesus.

And today we celebrate His birthday. In a world of hopeless situations and fatherless children...
I smile, because coming in a manger as a stranger to a tree to a throne... He has overcome it all.

Happy Birthday, Jesus!

Love,
Your Peculiar Treasure.

P.S. Stay tuned for my next blog post about 'messy Christmas'! :)

i just have to show up.

On the way home from a dinner theater with friends this evening:

Me: Yea, I keep telling everyone that this year is my year to meet my future husband. My Grandparents went to the eighth grade dance together; they've been married for 53 years this December. Plus, friends of ours {so and so} have been married a long time as well met in the eighth grade.

Well, let's call her Martha--Martha: {after we all had a few giggles} You do know that that is very unrealistic, right?

Me: Well, yes, of course.

Conversation continues rapidly... a few minutes later:

Martha: So where do you predict that you are going to meet this future husband of yours this year?

Me: That's for God to decide. I just have to show up.

Then, for some reason the truck erupted with laughter. Grin.



Today is a day that my blog from yesterday kept beating me over the head. Life is hard. Ugly, painful tears were shed. We will learn about that more, Lord willing, in our next post. For now, continue savoring His Word and the time that you shall intentionally spend in it. He is good when life is not. Remember how He paints! :)

Today's list of littles:

• A pat on the back.
• Making a hot chocolate package to giveaway.
• It was Layne + Lance's {of cLOVErton} birthday today.
• Time to be a good + true introvert. I take those moments where I can.
• Hazelnut cream coffee from a friends keurig.
• Laughter.
• A good, short, heartwrenching cry.
• Quoting + discussing different scenes from Andy Griffith with a friend from church.

Oh, and one more 'little':

That African Grandpa shirt. I love it. Speaking of eighth grade, that's the guy that met his bride in that very year! :) If He wills, my Dad will have a shirt like that someday!


I got treasure up in heaven; I got dirt all over me,
Emilee