when your midweek feels like defeat

    

Emma Watson

     I've been known spend too much in the past. If we were all honest with ourselves, we might notice that we spend too much time there. But if we do it in such a way - it's healthy - even necessary. We need the strength of yesterday's sorrows & the joy of it's victories. Life is a string of memories. How does a simple thing turn into a memory we relive? Someone is brave. Someone is brave enough to face rejection. Someone has twenty seconds of insane courage to do something that they wouldn't do if insecurity was holding them back. Someone is brave enough to simplify, to not glorify being busy. Someone is brave enough to start a conversation that matters. Someone is brave enough to choose immeasurably-more instead of so-so (even if it's scary).

     It's interesting to me how year by year, weather doesn't really change. The same trees change the same color during that certain week of the year. But every year at this time - over the sound of crickets & my tea studying sidekick - the way I see all of these changes does. With each passing year, I can either live in wonder of a God that is majestic. Or, I can choose to get caught up in me - but every part of me that He doesn't nurture. My flesh. My I-really-just-don't-want-to-spend-time-with-Him-today side. The side that comes out most often.
     I can't let that discourage me, though. Because as I look across the past few years, I know that each year's situation may get worse - but my outlook gets better.
     Why?
     Because I have a patient God, friends that are brave, and a dare to begin to change the world one faithful act at a time.
     There's more mundane tasks than adventurous when following Jesus. But that doesn't mean that they are not equally important. Sharing the Gospel to children in two different continents this summer that may have never heard about Him before? That's easy. That looks good, feels good, sounds adventurous. It's a commandment: GO.  Praying for the last person you want to love this week? That's hard. It doesn't feel good, it looks messy, & it's a command.
     Both are commands from a very patient God.
     He knows you hate being outside of your comfort zone. But He longs to stretch it in different ways everyday. Maybe it's by singing a silly song in a room full of children, maybe it's forgiving someone to only become right with God - not to be seen by men. Maybe it's being content with the nothingness that only seems to be your everyday life.
     Remember what makes memories? Remember what leaves fingerprints on the Kingdom calendar? Being brave. Being, practically, fearless. Fearless of what other people think, as long as you're following Christ's command.
     You can do it. So GO out there & trust that nothing is wasted & sometimes, every tiny thing you do (like staying up after midnight to study for a test that bores you to tears or changing that baby's diaper or grading that test) is leading up to a better tomorrow for all of us.
     Remember to be brave. Keep the good of your past experiences alive - you'll need them for this journey. You'll need to see how you've done it before, you can do it again, & how it made someone smile. Make new memories by ''being as you wish to seem''. Dive yourself into the crazy life He has made - just for you. Because life doesn't start tomorrow. You bring the good life into tomorrow by giving it your endurance today.
     So, maybe next year at this time, over tea & study notes & crickets, we'll see how something we did this year made next year better. How being content reminded us that eternal life with Christ starts now & we have His power within us.
    What's your first step? Ask Jesus how He wants you to be brave (sometimes just a silly word to disguise the act of being faithful) today.

--Emilee

P.S. Have you ever listened to Brave by Sara Bareilles? Today would be a great day to do that, too.



For more posts filing under 'coffee for your heart' click here: Holly Gerth's Encouraging Blog.

renewed honesty

This is a little something I wrote in my journal on September 29th. My writing is transforming as every week passes & life throws many different plot twists at every turn. It's exciting and terrifying all at the same time. Read on:

   Ernest Hemingway wrote - I'm not sure when - to "write hard & clear about what hurts."

I don't think I've done this. I talk a lot of brokenness & vulnerability, because I love the idea of being real. I love the idea of being honest in every interaction. 

   But, in many ways, I've failed you for covering up. It's not that I've been hiding my passion from you in my writing - I've just been too scared to write it out myself. 

   I'm reading a novel - Dear Mr. Knightley by Katherine Reay. Long story short, Sam has been hurt deeply through her life in the foster care system. She is an orphan hiding in her books, not being honest with herself. Her strict professor, Johnson, finally tells her that she has no voice. He wants to see the real her - not just facts or statistics. To him, her writing was good, but it sounded like one of her grocery lists (no conviction).

   So, as if the strict professor was speaking to me, I've realized that I talk ABOUT these things - & sometimes I write about heavy topics that put me into an very scary-introvert place. But not often enough do I pour myself into my work. Not often enough am I honest enough with myself to even be able to. 

   Writing isn't all fancy words & enchanting fonts - what makes writing fancy & enchanting is the passionate heart behind it. 

   I'm going to commit myself to honesty. Honesty to my writing, to myself. 

   My journals will be some the same - but newer ones will be in the format of a letter to the dear pages  - or as a prayer to The Lord. Keeping better track of the life He's given me. Blogs will be a deeper challenge and my 'binder articles' will be see through. My forming of my books will be changed. 

   I'm not sure what this all looks like yet. I just know I have to begin. 

home is where i'm with you

   

   I consider Kansas home - most days. ;)

   However, to all my friends that have grew up here their whole life - and watched basically everyone else around them grow up - I'm still a newbie. After all, it's only been four years since I detested the idea of living out here where I was related to everyone, but didn't know anyone else. I'm still new to all of the connections and old stories that can only be truly experienced as you live life alongside the people in your community. 

   Seven years ago, I had no idea that I would know any other state but Iowa as home. I'm glad I was wrong. 

 

   Five years ago, I was pleasantly surprised to make Iowa my home once again (in a different area, though) and get the heck out of Mississippi. I'm glad I was wrong. 

   Four years ago, I just wanted to move back to southern Iowa where all of my best friends were - where the bulk of my history was. Again, I'm glad I was wrong. 

   In Iowa, if I was being introduced to someone new, they would probably know my brothers. Here, in Kansas, most people don't even know that I have a brother. (I have two wonderful, handsome brothers, for anyone out there that didn't know.) 

   Today, I realize that every single place I've been - let alone the places I've lived - has built the roots that I call home. 

   Did you catch that last part? Where friendships flourish. 

   Now, recently, especially while I was in Ecuador this summer - I realized that I've missed out on a lot of some of my best friends' childhood. I wasn't around to see their first most embarassing moment in second grade or to walk alongside them through the awkward middle school years. It's true - I did miss out on a lot. 

   But there's something that I have that this community probably doesn't.

   On Saturday, my youngest brother got married. I know, I know. It's a beautiful thing, but it's still hard to wrap my mind around. That event is for more pictures on another blog for another time. :) 

    But over my long weekend...

    I got to tell some stories about growing up alongside people that were there.

    I got to hug necks that knew me before I could speak. 

    I got to catch up with a few of my brother's best buddies in high school that I was probably around more than any of the kids my age. Guys that were my second family and protective big brothers.

   It gave me a chance, for the first time in a long time, to appreciate my younger years and to not feel sad the next time that a story is shared around the youth group dinner table that I wasn't around to witness - because, in Iowa and Mississippi, I could sit around and tell story after story about the events that made me who I am. About the people that have made me who I am. There's a whole other world that I take part in when I leave the Kansas state line. People that my Kansas friends may never meet and stories they may never understand. 

  Stories about learning how to count with packets of jam at the Gas N' Grill and Saturday trips to the Dutchman's store. 

  Stories about riding bikes around our tiny town of two hundred. 

  Stories about wrestling tournament road trips with a van full of loud, teenage boys. 

  Stories about the kudzu of the south and singing pretend concert for hundreds every weekend with my best friend.  

  Stories about five feet of snow and The Lord bringing us out of a pit of dark loneliness. 

   The list goes on. 

   What's my conclusion? (because like any good Geometry problem, I need to sum it up for you.)

   Home isn't about a specific place. Home - for me - is where I can take my shoes off, feel safe, and at my friend's house where I know exactly where everything is in the kitchen. Home is in the familiar laughs of old friends and in picking up right where you left off. Home may be Kansas right now - because it's for such a time as this. Kansas may be where I hang my hat for years to come and I hope so very much that that is the case - but home is never just one place. 

  

   Home is a compilation of stories and people the made you who you are today. The good, the bad, and the possibly (most likely) very ugly. A town is where you run errands and lay your head - a home is where you grow and build the best relationships...and if we're in Christ, our future home destroys our wildest imagination. 

   So here's to you: 

  The people that have upheld your promise during my dedication (or as a part of the different church family's I've been in) to point me to Christ. 

  The people that have watched me grow up, given me grace, and loved my unconditionally. 

  The people that we still have relationships with, no matter the distance. 

  The people that will continue to give me grace as I stumble down this scary road of high school and onto college. 

  The people that truly care about me and portray that in huge or small ways. 

  The people that make anywhere I go - Kansas, Illinois, Iowa, Missouri, the good ol' south, Colorado, Ecuador, or Uganda - HOME.

  I will cherish our memories and I anticipate thousands of stories He will write for us in the future. 

   In the meantime, I'll just keep writing my address in pencil. 

Peace out my friends,

Emilee 

More home roots blog inspiration credits go to "Take Me There" by Rascal Flatts (my all time favorite road trip band to play over and over back in the day). Check it out! 

whoop whoop! #TGIT

Time for a list of randomness, friends. (for those of you that don't know, if the title includes 'whoop whoop' in it, there will be lots of sarcasm & life inspiration from Pinterest. It usually means that it's the weekend.) Let's jump in! 

1. MAROON FIVE HAS A NEW ALBUM: V. This is number one for a reason. The first few days that I discovered it, I listened to it at least three times through a day. Now I've almost limited myself to once through a day. Grin. (Unkiss Me tears my heart to shreds on a daily basis. So good.) 

2. Fall is upon us. For more reasons than one, it's become official but our youth group resumed Life Groups a few weeks ago and it finally feels like 'normal Autumn'. 

3. Hence the hashtag #TGIT: Grey's started again tonight. It's prettyyyyy exciting. I would use more exclamation points, but I'm getting tired & it's almost Friday. 

4. As you know, my coffee lovin' game is strong. However, at the end of a long day, I've found that a nice cup of apple cinnamon tea or peppermint tea from London is just what I need (with honey, of course). Tonight, as I was getting some tea out of the cupboard I saw this: 

   Next to my London Tea Company container that uses the word 'whilst' properly in a sentence (because England is just that cool), these companies are winning at life. 

5. Have you heard the new Taylor Swift song? Shake It Off. Don't watch the music video and save yourself from that waste of time. However, I still love her & find it extremely catchy. Here I am - entirely exhausted & ready to go back to my hotel room - singing it at my brother's wedding last week. 

   I'm glad I can laugh at myself. ;) 

6. I change my homescreen and lockscreen probably once a week or once every few months, depending on the people that I place in them. Currently, Rapunzel's room (from Tangled) is my lock screen...

...& this beautiful morning captured with one of my very favorite girlfriends while I was in Uganda is my home screen: 

   They've already beat the one week point. Just sayin'. 

7. I miss this view. It's been so long since I went to go sit at Java Junkies (our coffee shop downtown I'm usually always at) & do nothing but write/read I was still drinking cold drinks. 

8. On September 8 we reached the one year mark of the Michael Buble concert Mom & I attended last year. I can't wait to go back. I love that guy & his beautiful show. 

9. Due to my freshman - sophomore year, weight loss, and transformation pictures in Uganda, I've been 'framing' lots of them. Here are a few: 

Seventeen pounds shed from the first photo to the second. I can't wait to see more of my weight loss transformations a few more months down the road! 

Top: My first airplane ride (since I was a baby) in 2011 on the way to Uganda. 

Bottom: My seventh flight of summer 2014 on the way to Uganda the second time. 

(Co-starring Momma V, of course!) 

Standing in front of Lake Victoria with Momma V in 2011 & again in 2014. Time flies (but you already knew that). 

Let's not talk about the fact that I'm wearing the same skirt, okay?

With my girlfriend AuD four years ago and present day - back before either of us could drive and now, when she drives me to MHK for a day of sanity on a regular basis. Four years from now she'll be a junior in college.

10. Like I mentioned earlier, sometimes... (ahem, always) it's good to be able to laugh at yourself. Thanks to Pinterest, I've found a chuckle or two out of this:

*insert crying laughing faces here* 

   Overall, I'm loving my new autumn routine. It's good to have structure again and resume to the regular activities of life. I can barely fathom that next week will be October. Make sure you slow down & enjoy the little things: look up at the stars, read inspiring labels, spark up a fun conversation with your barista, buy someone a pumpkin spice latte (preferably me), COUNT GIFTS, write stories (if that's your thing), enjoy Netflix on lonely nights, check out that book at the library you haven't yet made time for, send someone a handwritten letter, hug a friend, & make lists late at night when you need to relax & reorganize your thoughts... Breathe. 

   Because, after all, "That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet." -Emily Dickinson

 Until next time's list of happy randomness...

 Your Truly, 

 Emilee 

between two beauties

It's the weekend, folks. Even though I have not personally started school yet (please hold back your not-happy-about-it snarls), I already feel more excited when it's the weekend. It's the tiny hint of freedom in the air. The hint of freedom that increases in May & decreases in August when the beloved back-to-school shopping begins (new pens!). 

My weekend. 

This afternoon, I celebrated my zero motivation with a few chapters of my book before actually mustering some random motivation to go make homemade brownies. 

For some of you, that doesn't sound thrilling. Or worthy of mentioning. 

But trust me - if Emilee Clemons made something homemade and it came out the other end not only edible but delicious, it's worth mentioning. 

I swung around from cupboard to cupboard, measuring cup to measuring cup, until my nutella brownies were complete. I grabbed some coffee ice cream, some tea from London, and I was on my way to a friend's house for the evening! I would show you a picture of all that happiness, but I decided that at least at their house for a few hours I would not use any technology that I wouldn't have used before I was eight. It was a nice breath of fresh air. 

The evening was over all too quickly, but we got to sing Taylor Swift on the way home at the top of our lungs. Because that's how we roll. 

Summer is dwindling and I can feel it. 

The bittersweetness of friends already being swamped in homework, of friends going to college, of all the precious adventures of this summer being tucked away under the definition of Summer 2014. 

The bittersweetness of so many new beginnings that a new season, every season, brings. 

Tomorrow I'm going to my own church for the first time in months. In reality, it's been three weeks. But it feels like so much longer than that. Not only has so much abundant life passed in that frame of time, but because both times I've been at church recently, it's been a blur of loving being home & longing for the many different church atmospheres I've gotten to be a part of this summer. It's been up on stage sitting next to the people that I've been on so many adventures with wanting to both laugh & cry because it's over.

Tonight my heart is heavy for the many people I love that live so very far away. I love being home. I'm excited to be back, but my heart is so torn. Between loving discovering my new routine & wishing the routine of my summer - continent hopping - would never have ended. Of course, to an extent, my heart is always longing to be with so many of them, but tonight it hurts in a unique way. I can hear the distinctive laugh of my Ecuadorian friends & I can see the eyebrow raise that transcends any language barrier in Uganda. Written on my heart forever are the memories of driving through the cities of Guayaquil and Entebbe hours after the sun set, the scent of smoke in the air. 

I can never leave these memories at home. 

“It’s not at all fanciful for me to think this way about you. My prayers and hopes have deep roots in reality. You have, after all, stuck with me all the way from the time I was thrown in jail, put on trial, and came out of it in one piece. All along you have experienced with me the most generous help from God. He knows how much I love and miss you these days. Sometimes I think I feel as strongly about you as Christ does!” —Philippians 1:7+8, THE MSG 

From now on when I hear 'Open The Eyes Of My Heart', it won't just be a good worship song. It will rush me back to a bonfire in the middle of a humid week at the equator. It will rush me back to sitting in the middle of thirty plus African kiddos worshipping with no drum or guitar, just loud honest voices echoing off the side of the classroom walls. The next time I use a glue stick, I'll remember leading crafts in the chaos of a VBS led by 12-15 people with 110 village children. Every time I see a riding lawn mower, I'll think of that time I slashed grass with a machete in the Pearl of Africa. Next time I cut up vegetables, I'll remember doing it with all those little ones by my side, preparing their one o' clock meal, dropping scraps in the dust below. 

The bittersweet part is that I don't know the next time I will be among all the people I love all over the world. 

When we said goodbye to our wonderful hosts in Ecuador, a few of us were beginning to cry. The aged, godly woman looked at the closest translator & said, "We'll miss you, but," putting her hand over her heart, talking through her misty eyes, "we always have you in our hearts."

The best part is, if they are in our hearts, they never truly leave no matter how many miles away they live.

I'm not sure what's next - other than school and my schedule for the next four weekends. Life beyond that point is vague. Misty. 

There's a blank slate that comes with autumn approaching. 

A blank slate that I need, both physically, emotionally, & spiritually.

In honor of needing a blank slate, I took all the decorations on my wall down a few days ago. Both figuratively and theoretically, I'm waiting to see what God paints. There's beauty in not knowing exactly what's next. There's beauty in being scared & holding tighter to Him in confusion. There's beauty in interceding for the people you long to be with; a longing that cannot be explained. 

There's two things for sure that are already up on that wall, the rest still empty - Ecuador & Uganda reminders. 

Because no matter what happens during this next year, what happened in Ecuador & Uganda really did happen. What The Lord showed us there was something He showed us when He had our undivided attention. The stories He wrote will not be erased. We're not going to let the enemy kill, steal, or destroy those experiences or any of the vibrant shades of their beauty. 

Because no matter what happens, Summer 2014 will be marked by pulling out that Passport, late night Taylor Swift jam sessions on the way home from a friends, the books I've read, those healing two weeks of prescribed nothing, worshiping so close to the equator, facing my deadliest fear - flying - a total of twelve times, learning so many new skills, shopping for skirts, running through banana plantations, hiking through the Ugandan bush, reuniting with so many old friends, God blessing with so many new budding relationships. 

These stories? They're mine, given generously from the heart of God. 

It's my joy to share them, to relive them. 

I can't wait for Him to write the next chapter. 

Until next time... 

P.S. Along with a few blank slates, Autumn could come sweeping in with red leaves & pumpkin lattes & cardigan weather any time now. Just sayin'.