if i had been tweeting.

Peculiar Treasures! It's been a long time it seems. While I was at camp from July 15th to August 10th I wasn't on Twitter. However, I couldn't let all that time go by without 'tweeting'. So, I kept track of what I would have tweeted if I would have had consistent internet access. Also, through the inspiration of Ann Voskamp's life-changing book One Thousand Gifts, I kept track of my gifts in my camp notebook as well. Before I have the chance to sit down & share the in depth learning experiences at camp, enjoy these tidbits of my month away!

• Ya know what drives me insane? Laying in my bunk & my pen runs out of ink. I grab a pencil, but don't wanna get up for a pen. #firstnightprobs #firstworldprobs
• After doing laundry in the silo, I went all African on that laundry basket... until other people could see me.
• No, my Disney princess pillow doesn't match a thing on my bunk. Yes, I'm proud of it.
• While taking an ice cold shower this morning, I had HSM 2's "Work This Out' stuck in my head. So much irony. #icouldonlyhumit #imissmyshowerplaylists
• What happens on a really sad night? Mice scurry around my room. That's what. #plainsadadtired #homesicknessstinks
• In the midst of my silly complaints, I'm trying to remember the peace. #homesoon
• Dude. I miss my sarcastic atmosphere. This land is dry. Pour down on us, O Lord! ;)
• Solid advice from the pastor in a nearby church tonight. If you're gonna snuggle with someone for the rest of your life, make sure you love how they smell.
• Oh. It's 11:15. I'm out under the stars watching staff drift to their cabins. I should probably go to bed. #ishould #notyet
• What is sleep? Pssh, it's not important.
• Okay. I'm starting to dream about cleaning & I smell like dishes. #uhhhhh
• Started out camp so beautifully. Praising Jesus!
• Only at camp does someone find out about our donated fryer & shout, "AMEN!"
• Y'all. I'm not being ugly, but just because it's what you're most familiar with doesn't mean it's valid. #Greektranslationprobs
• Rolling all the 'My Tide' commercials through my head as I am doing my laundry. My Tide: It has Febreze. At stinky camp. Amen & Amen.
• Got my first card at camp today that said, "I was thinking of you. Now you're thinking of me. Ahhh... the power of cards." #ilovemyGrandma
• Sat with the guys tonight & laughed more than I had in awhile it seems. Our conversation: boxing, injuries, & animals. #lovingcamplife
• Sent this text to my Mom tonight: Headed home for the night. Call if you want to hear my beautiful voice.
• Is it sad that the worst thing I'm missing at the fair back home is frozen lemonade? #girlsgotpriorities
• What do I send to my best friend in one of the last lines in her letter? Why this, of course: Can't wait to see you & bother you & awkwardly cuddle with you on the couch
  & make you uncomfortable. #bestfriendswaggg #acaawkward
• Once I got back to my cabin last night, I didn't write any more gifts. Why? My mice friends were back. #ewwie #itwashardtofocus
• Sometimes, you just need a hug. #sadface
• It's so fun to be on staff with friends I used to be campers with.
• New conclusion... or at least hit fresh on my mind. I can miss Kansas & serve Him wholeheartedly here, too. #leaningonHim
• These guys on staff are far from perfect. However, they are offering to let me eat before them & opening doors for me. They make my days go by so much easier. #Godisproviding
• I had a nap today. Although I was still exhausted, it was heavenly.
• Reminded of this advice while re-reading some of my camp mail: "Remember God puts us where He wants us to look to Him." I'm discouraged, but I get to lean on Jesus. #itsallworthit #buildingcharacter
• Ya know what makes me happy? Hurling insults (all in good fun) with the staff during clean-up. #itsbecauseweloveeachother
• "It's surrender." #EricLiddell
• My best pal put his number in my phone under the name "The Coolest Kid At Camp." I asked him how he already knew my number. #IMthecoolestkid
• ...and the receiving mail this camp season goes to... THIS KID!! #soblessed #thankful
• The question on our cheese machine in the kitchen, "What Is Life Without Cheese?" #youtellme
• Unfortunately, everyone got a taste of my sad day today. Buddy on staff comes up & says, "So, why haven't you been teasing me today?" #workingonthattomorrow
• Exhausted during the day, want to talk at night. #beautifulwearycamplife
• Kitchen staff picture of a heavenly day? Picnic with paper plates! #hecktotheyes #goWednesday
• Being behind the camera lense. >>>
• A highlight of today's (thus far) activities? Staff against camper tug-o-war.
• He knows exactly what we need. Thankful to see how He is providing.
• Yesterday a junior camper saw me going into a nearby building with a laundry basket & he ran to open the door for me. #daymaker #gentlemanintraining
• How to let the campers know you're weak & need a Savior? Leave bugs on the counter in your cabin. ;)
• Last night to sleep in this cabin alone. (Somewhat) Bittersweet.
• Going to get almost 8 hours of sleep. Praise the Lord!
• Excited for a week to listen & record. #fulltimecamper #workcomplete
• So weird being able to sit... & I've only been a camper for an hour. #bestillandknowweek
• What is it with guys & their blue striped shirts this year? #forgoodnesssake #imissmyotherbluestripedshirtedguy
• I have a nickname as of Saturday evening under the stars. Mark Twain. #thegirlversion #thanksPaul
• Athleticism. Just, no.
• "Yeah. Don't sign me for cardio." #PitchPerfect
• I stink at the games at camp. No looking far for embarrassing moments this week! #ohjoy #almostoverEmilee
• Two naps in one day. YAY!...but how can I still be exhausted? #camplife
• Seriously. How can a week be so restful & so exhausting?
• Last full day at camp. Excited to apply everything I've learned to the homeland.
• Gonna start clicking my shoes... #theresnoplacelikehome

I counted 243 gifts while away... here are 'some' highlights. :)

2. getting my dream bunk
8. setting early alarms
16. smiley face umbrellas
17. text messages awaiting
18. learning from mistakes
19. working so hard you don't know what time it is.
25. distant thunder
27. small churches
29. Dr. Pepper; a rare camp gift
30. a road sign seeming to be just for me
32. rainbow promises
37. hearing my sisters voice
41. thanking God under the stars
42. sweet guys saying goodnight
45. hanging up aprons
48. dreaming about my future family with a soon-to-be mother of 9.
57. teaching fishtails
58. 7 year old girl's view on boys
64. praying with staff
77. the pictures on my wall
85. dance party while the roommate is away
86. having the whole building to myself
93. happy tears over a text
94. wedding tiaras
98. that place between asleep & awake
108. gifts recounted
114. jobs that help with unceasing prayer
119. KSTATE shirts
121. cooler weather
122. near the pond PONDering
126. that road sign
134. people that REALLY listen
136. trying on rhubarb lip shine
138. being asked where I live
146. when everyone at the dinner table gets tickled
149. Greek words in Sunday school
150. rain on my rooftop
151. dinner with my new family
156. pictures that remind me of Kampala
163. being called Miss Emilee
166. silliness with Leah
172. a good cry
184. Dutchman's labels
187. teaching fam carpet ball
192. hoodies in July
196. Tasty Pastry; nut roll for breakfast
197. "HALF-WAY THROUGH!"
200. "You're getting so beautiful!"
205. "Well, you're there so it's exciting!"
206. being introduced as someone's mommy & daddy's flower girl.
210. telling a Pastor how God used him in my life five years ago.
214. singing sessions while doing dishes with my best pal.
217. giggling until my sides hurt
218. "See ya best pal!" :(
220. staff weekends
228. package of things I love
234. "PLOT TWIST!"

As you can see, there were many ups & downs... like any life circumstance.
All month long the Lord continued to provide in every situation & there were so many more reasons to be thankful. Whether it was a night to stargaze on weekends or talking to a little girl about Africa, He knew what I needed. A lot of decisions were made, they were well fed, & He taught me so much through all of the good & bad.

Praise Jesus for what He did this summer & what He is going to continue to do with the seeds planted. We love You & we're anticipating what You have for us this fall.

So glad to be home,
Emilee







peace must be dared.

My candle over there on the desk flickers. The lamp above my head makes my room all cozy especially at this time of night. After a day of splashing in laughter, tears, & talks, I am absolutely exhausted. I'm whispering muttered prayers asking the Lord for more of it... this peace. The peace that trespasses all understanding. Either people don't take hold of it very much or it's so indescribable that no one even tries. I need some more of it. With every crossing off of the list, every day completed that's what we long for. Comfort? No, not if to live is Christ. Peace? It's what our hearts need to go on. In the midst of the existent trouble, peace, through Jesus, conquers. Everything about Jesus conquers.

What is it about sleepless nights & tear stains on my cheeks that draws me close to God? Some of my days are after nights when I just cry at His throne. There is a difference between an unhealthy pity-party {which I can be known for more than I would like to admit} & Jesus breaking Your heart. Bringing Jesus to Your ache instead of whining about why it's there. That's the difference.

There is no way to peace along the way of safety. For peace must be dared, it is itself the great venture and can never be safe. Peace is the opposite of security. To demand guarantees is to want to protect oneself. Peace means giving oneself completely to God's commandment, wanting no security, but in faith and obedience laying the destiny of the nations in the hand of Almighty God, not trying to direct it for selfish purposes. Battles are won, not with weapons, but with God. They are won when the way leads to the cross. --Dietrich Bonhoeffer

 I read these words when peace was the last thing on my mind. I was hurt.

In the next days, through His Word, through journaling, & other avenues of processing the thoughts on my heart that haven't left, He gave me peace. All I know is someone was praying for me something fierce. I shook my head & wondered why I was so relaxed with whatever the outcome may be. Thankfully, in His time, He is continuing to give me peace that I can't begin to describe to you...because it reaches every part of me & changes me by the minute. My girlfriend, Chloe, knows what is going on in my life as much as anybody. On Sunday morning following the service, she asked me, "How are you?" I answered quickly steering away from honest answers, even to my best friend, my sister. She looked at me & asked again, "Are you really?" The fact that I have a friend that cares enough to ask twice made my heart so heavily thankful. Surprisingly, though, I gave her the same answer. Everything may not be alright according to my standards, but according to His: I'm right where I'm supposed to be. Humbly walking with Him, taking Him into every secret corner of my heart, to every circumstance, every conversation. If this is true, the rest He will simply let me watch unfold with awe-filled eyes. I'm daring to take hold of His promises & take a deep breath. After all, His name is the sound of our breathing.

With this peace, compassion comes. Gone are the selfish ways of processing. He broke my heart tonight out of the middle of nowhere. My initial reaction is to just fix it all. I just want to label all these needs, be the one to fix it, & let the world see themselves as Jesus sees them. While those desires are of best intentions, none of us are near enough powerful, worthy, or capable of doing so. Instead, I don't worry... & I silently pray. The tears slide across my face. My heart is heavy, but my eyes are focused on Him. I can't fix it all. Instead of selfishly taking over, I'm laying it in His hands asking Him where I need to serve in the process.

So, tonight... I'm praying for peace. Peace for an irreplaceable friend, peace for my unsettled heart, peace in wherever He whispers to turn.

And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. --Isaiah 30:21

 I'm paying attention.

 Oh that you had paid attention to my commandments!
    Then your peace would have been like a river,
    and your righteousness like the waves of the sea... --Isaiah 48:18

Peace. No guaranteed safety, no comfort in the world's standards, but a battle will be won with something, someOne, much greater than any weapon. No guarantee that tears won't fall again tomorrow; that my heart won't be broken again & again in a million different ways. No guarantee that we will slip & let stress chip some joy when it never, ever, should come close, but we do know that He is right. here. The Holy Spirit ministers with His Presence in all of these weaknesses, heartbreaks, & joys in a way that no one else could. Security in this: our Jesus leading us in the great venture; peace like a river.


Daring,
Em

a bunk with a view: torn.

My eight-year-old self would change into pajamas--anything comfy that I could find that smelled reasonable enough to put on--& embrace the challenge of climbing into the middle of our three level bunks.

My bunk with a view.

The counselor made sure all us young girls were safely in out beds among the chaos of suitcases & cosmetics laying around before turning out the light. I would chatter with my best friend and others would, with much enthusiasm, add into our playful, exhausted, everything-is-10-times-more-hilarious conversation. Our sweet counselor, Kara, would give us one last warning & one of us would volunteer to pray before we all tossed & turned & began to snore.

While I assume the rest of my cabin was beginning to snooze, my gaze was outside. From my window, you could see the barn; the cafeteria & home base of my favorite place back then: camp. While the staff did an overall acceptable job of making us feel included, I felt torn walking away each night. As I would catch up with one of my girls to walk the comforting path to our cabins, I would gaze back at the staff still chattering away. They would often times yell after us to leave & go get our beauty sleep. Those comments may have been all in good fun--they really did have sincere hearts, but... to my EXTREMELY sensitive eight-year-old self, I was hurt. I wanted to be included on their late night conversations. I strived to know what a relationship with the Lord looked like for them and what relationships with boys looked like with all of that in perspective.

I gaze out the window and eventually the lights would turn off and they all began to disappear to their designated rooms. I thought about the late night conversations they would be having as I lay in bed wondering & wishing. I may have been in a room full of girls, but I felt alone.


Here I am six years later. My first year to be on staff at that same camp that has seen the end of me & so many beautiful beginnings. Here I am fulfilling a dream... & I'm torn. I want to go to camp. I KNOW that it will be amazing, but... all at the same time, I have never wanted to be in two places at once. For one main reason & a million on top of that, I want to have gone, but I don't want to go.

One of my counselors in these past years in devotions said that one of her biggest struggles at the time was knowing she needed to be at camp, but feeling like she needed to also be at home. At the time it made no sense to me & for years I never really understood why she didn't want to only be at camp... hanging out with us. Now, in His time, I understand.

Join me in adventuring into these next five weeks--because in reality it's not that long--with sincere, willing hearts. I know that I can't pack you into my suitcase & head to Iowa {no matter how much I want to}, but I hold you in my heart. Pray for me as I make preparations & say my 'so longs' with a lump in my throat.

Praying that God would use me in a huge way this summer, work in my heart in the midst of my anxiety & homesickness, & bring many of these kiddos closer to Him through simple convictions that I know, for me, has lasted through the years only by His strength.

Part of me wants to make a list of everything I'm going to miss from my beautiful corner of this world while I'm away, but below I'm including a small list of little things that I'm looking forward to:

being able to go into the kitchen. {I've been in it once for a total of two minutes in five camp seasons.}

being able to sign as an 'adult' on kiddos' camp books

getting this year's camp t-shirt

getting to know whomever else the Lord has led to staff

chatting with the little girls especially & being the person on staff I always wished I would have had

hayrack rides

the quiet of unplugging

hearing from home on weekends

nature

carpet ball

late night conversations

serving the campers meals ... the chatter

chapel every night

writing letters

dressing up after a day of games, sweat, & work

the walk back to our cabins; this time not being torn for the reasons I was before, but for such a time as this.

As You wish, Abba. We belong to You.
Forever Yours,
Em.

P.S. Prayerfully I'll be back soon & very soon. Until then, snazzy blog makeover, eh? :)

unbelief & trusting.

If all of you had been around me at all today you probably wouldn't have been interested in coming clicks within more so called 'insight' from me.

I'm stressed. That is entirely an understatement.

I'm stressed about the summer, about making the most of my time, & I wish I could be two places at once.

Last night when I was typing out my second journal of the day due to needing my thoughts recorded faster than the pen could write I completed the thought that this stress is unbelief. I am not trusting God with how He is going to move this summer--WHEREVER I am. I have to remember that if He wants to accomplish something in my life, distance & lack of time will certainly not be the least bit of a barrier.

Oh, to have childlike faith in days like these.

In the midst of spontaneous tears, much needed cups of coffee, rants that only Emilee can justify, all of these prayers with loose ends... this is my June 20th conclusion...

Jesus doesn't always give us answers, He gives us affirmations to give us hope for the answer. The answer shall surely come, but for now He reminds us of His presence & the people He has intricately placed into our lives for such a beautiful time as this. Sometimes these affirmations come in little ways, but nevertheless they are big in your heart. He knows that & He delights in seeing you smile for the first time after a lot of sadness. Jesus delivers those sighs of relief personally. He knows my love languages the best because He is Love. I'm overwhelmed in the best way.

Secondly, while I was taking a hot shower to drain some of my clouded thoughts I had my Hillsong playlist going in the background. I heard the Desert Song & stopped in my tracks at the lyric, "No weapon formed against me shall remain..." During 'big trials' I go to that song to mentally put my armor on. What is wrong with that sentence? Only during 'big trials'.

What if we took our desperation for Jesus in trials into our daily unbelief?
What if we sang that lyric in the face of every insecurity? ...even when no one sees but Jesus.

Life would change. This I challenge you with.

In the trenches with you. Praying this blesses somebody.

Abba, we need You. We belong to You. Here am I.
Guide us in all of these things, draw us closer to Your heart, & string
all of these details according to Your will. Bowing my head in trust.

I got treasure up in heaven; I got dirt all over me,
Emilee

P.S. I'm so grateful He uses days like these to turn into a blessing even in ways that I can't fathom, but is anyone else grateful that this day is coming to a close? It has ended on a splendid note, but I am ready for the mercy morn. :)

My prayer, anthem... LOVE THIS SONG.

saying yes.

Last week in the middle of VBS our high school girl's Bible study started. Officially, though, yesterday was our first day of digging into our book titled, "What Happens When Young Women Say Yes To God" by Lysa TerKeurst. In this first chapter she shared the prayer that she prays every morning before getting out of bed... here it tis:

God, I want to see You.
God, I want to hear You.
God, I want to know You.
God, I want to follow hard after You.

It may seem very vague, but yesterday we talked about those seasons in life where we have to add to that prayer "I WANT TO WANT..." Today, that was my prayer that I wrote in my journal before my day had taken it's course. I've been out of it, especially today, and I have been asking for compassion in the toughest, easiest-to-get-angry areas. Hence, at least for now, I pray that I would want to want those things. It doesn't mean I don't love Jesus, it just means that I need to consistently continue to refocus my eyes.

Lysa had us write down two ways that we were going to practically say yes to God in the next week... & these were mine.

1. Relaxing my to-do list for my glory-to-God list.
2. Encouraging others even when I don't feel encouraged.

So, in my unexplainable unencouraged state, I finished some projects & asked the Lord to lay someone on my heart to serve & encourage somehow. What did I want to do with the house to myself? Continue reading in my room, browsing Pinterest, and take a nap. That's what I wanted, but it wasn't settling well with my heart. I asked the Lord to continue to lay someone on my heart as I finished up my {praise Jesus!} short to-do list for the day and soon came to the conclusion & called her up.

Who was she you ask? Well, she's human & she loves Jesus. I have been so blessed to spend time with that wonderful woman more lately & she couldn't escape my mind this afternoon.

Within an hour I had a date with her sweet kiddos while she cleaned the momentarily quiet house. I spent the afternoon running through sprinklers, giving forgiving hugs, and praying that I was being a blessing.

Your yes might not look the same, but I know that both parties came out for the better after the afternoon I had just because I listened. Maybe she only cleaned, & maybe all I really did wasn't all that great, but maybe, just maybe, we all felt more encouraged afterwards. I did have to come home & unwind due to my physical-cold-staggering self, but I wouldn't have traded even that sweet afternoon for anything.

I don't know what your daily yes looks like, but the possibility of yours & the anticipation of my minute-by-minute continuing saying yes excites me.

Regardless of the truths in the book we're going through, I'm loving spending time with these girls and my mentor whom is leading it. {Oh, did I ever announce my high school youth group incoming? Oops. It's on my writing list, trust me!}

So, dear Peculiar Treasures, learn to listen, because when you say yes nothing can beat following hard after Him in every single tiny way.

In Abba,
Em

Examine carefully every little act of His life, and every trait of His character, and He is as lovely in the minute as in the majestic. --Charles Spurgeon, Morning & Evening.